If Only You Knew

Words will never describe the feelings I feel everyday. 

The thoughts that flood my head. 

The words that have embedded themselves so very deep. 

This thing that go on that you believe are all lies. 

If only you knew how many times I wanted to die. 

How many times I have envisioned my death. 

How many times I have thought how great it would be to dead. 

But you see, you don’t know. 

And you clearly don’t know me. 

Because if you really you knew. 

You know that this person isn’t me. 

D

There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. 

One thing I have learned in the past couple of months is the importance of putting yourself first. I have the tendency to put others before myself, and to be honest I think that it was so I could distract myself from my reality. Somehow, it was easier to listen to someone else’s problems than confronting my own. 

I never realised how much I neglected my own life, from my education, to my health and my appearance. I didn’t make much effort because all my effort was put into other people’s lives, and I didn’t have enough left. 

But, do I regret it? Yes and no.

I will never regret being there for my mum when she fell ill or being the only person she could rely on despite having four other siblings. 

I’ll never regret being there for my friends who needed me at the time. But, I regret letting myself go, shutting myself off, not having trust in people and having the fear that no one would listen or even care.

I regret allowing this cloud to overshadow my life.

But most importantly, I regret not putting myself first! 

Putting myself first means…

Saying the word no.

Taking time out for myself.

Finding happiness.

Doing what’s right for me. 

Putting myself first after all these years is going to take time. I must admit, I’m still guilty of taking time away from me, sometimes I think it’s just part of my nature… but, we are all a work in progress right. 

Just know, that’s there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. 

D x 

Becoming acquainted with yourself is a price well worth paying for the love that will really address your needs.

Daphne Rose Kingma